I know what you’re thinking: all my shows are ending! What am I gonna do? The doctors from Grey Anatomy are all dead and stuff (seriously how much shit can happen to one freaking hospital?); the Gleeks graduated (no more Brittany? Say it ain’t so!); and Chuck Bass is…well, Chuck Bass. And unless you love comics, there’s nothing for you in the movies—it’s just the Avengers, Spidey, and Batman. Oh yeah, there’s Will Smith. And battleships. And aliens.

But rest assured, true believers, here I come to save you from those entertainment doldrums! Can’t stand to watch another rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond? Really don’t care about the Real Housewives of Billings, Montana? Have you had it up to here with Ryan Seacrest on EVERY MEDIA OUTLET ON EARTH? I have the answer! What’s that you say? Can it be? Is it really? Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls, I bring you the Celebration of Wickedness VOLUME TWO! It’s the Festival of Fiendishness and it kicks off tomorrow.

Despite the fact that it sounds like another shrimp special from Red Lobster, the Festival is two scoops of villainy goodness. I know I said ‘summer’ but the truth is, we had 42 minutes of sun here in Seattle over the last 2 weeks—that’s about as summer as it’s gonna get. And I really can’t wait! This time around, we branch out from comics and movies—I ‘m gonna get medieval on that ass with a villain straight from Shakespeare; we have a couple of literary bad guys (I can read—Hooked On Phonics worked for me!), even soap operas (I’ve seen a couple…I’m man enough to admit it), along with our usual spate of comic book baddies and motion picture mischief-makers.

But tomorrow—TOMORROW—we make it official with one of the most compelling, complex, nuanced, multi-chinned villains ever: South Park’s ERIC CARTMAN. Na na na na nana. Heh heh heh heh hehheh