When Screwing Your Clients Goes Wrong: The EPIC Conclusion

That’s your intro. Now comes your awesomeness! BAM! Mugshots, y’all:

Swoapcharges

Nothing says glamour like these pics. Work it, girl!

Gather round, boys and girls, even you new kids, I have to tell you a short little story. If you know me, and by now you do, you know that the first rule of Crooked Letterz is, if it’s funny, I’m gonna laugh. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what it is. I know I talk about villains and bad guys and stuff, but look at the other stuff I’ve written: handicapped hockey games (and the cripple fight at the soccer game), overactive bowel movements, DMFRHs. If it’s funny, I’m laughing. That’s the deal.

This is funny.

And you can imagine the giggles and broad smiles that crossed my face when my wife came bumping down the stairs, talking about “Stacy Case just called me!” Stacy who? Then she started talking slow. “Stacy Case. From Fox news. In Tennessee. Just called me.”

Stacy Case is an anchor at Fox 17 in Nashville. Stacy Case did a heartwarming little story last year—just like mine—highlighting the local awesomeness of the Swoaps and promoting how they could save you money on your next Disney trip. I’d love to show it to you, but that shit is no longer on the Fox 17 website. Know why? Cuz you don’t make a fool out of Stacy Case. That shit no longer exists. But you know what does? This:

Did you catch the blurred out ex-BSJ employee? Care to guess who that might be?

Oh, you know what else exists? This—and these cats were first:

50 Plus Families Duped Out of $50K

I have some new kids at the party today, and yesterday, and the day before. I hope you brought snacks for the rest of us. Now, you might looking at us, thinking, “Are you guys seriously laughing at these people?” In a word, yes. In three words, they started it.

But it’s all fun and games until somebody gets hurt. Somebody got hurt. And that brings us to our Jerry Springer End of the Show moment.

It has been a wild, crazy, expletive-laced ride with the Swoaps, hasn’t it? I had fun, didn’t you? I mean, my wife was called a pill-popping alcoholic and a thief. Publicly. I was a sack of shit and motherfucker. They left us this fantastic voicemail (the Boy didn’t autotune it—I’m taking volunteers):

But, for all the fun it’s been, it’s time to let it go. Awww, I know, I know. But this is the last post on DMFRHs, our favorite two assclowns (you know you love it!). EVER. Like forever. After this, we have to be done. For good. Here’s why:

If you notice from the pic at the top, these cats have a casual relationship with the law. This isn’t the first run in the Swoaps have had with the boys in blue. And if you listen to what both newscasters said, a) these charges carry penalties of at least 8 years with fines up to $250,000; and b) they are also investigating my man for defrauding the state with his unemployment. All kidding aside, this is serious shit.

When it was John and Melanie talking shit to my wife via email, that was one thing. It was heated words and exchanges, loud talking and legal threats that never came to fruition. It was an argument—ultimately victimless. This isn’t. This is serious shit with real victims. This is the stuff that ruins lives.

55 families were defrauded (allegedly—I think I have to put that in). Little girls were almost deprived of their Disney World trip AT Disney World (which is FUCKED UP by the way). There are at least 10 planners whose livelihoods are severely impacted, if not curtailed entirely. And these guys are parents themselves. It is very likely they could lose their kids or their kids could lose one or both parents to prison.

Not so funny anymore.

Now it’s just sad.

And that’s why we have to be done.

Want more Swoap-y goodness? See how it all began!

When Screwing Your Clients Goes Wrong: BSJ Strikes Back

You know, you all are a fickle bunch.

I write some amazing stuff about villains and movies and comic book stuff and you guys are like “Meh.” I’ve broken Disney World, introduced you to DMFRHs, even wrote a post defending Miley Cyrus of all people. And what’d I get? Crickets. But let me write a little something about a couple of assclowns dogging my wife when she quit her job—yes, the same ones who dropped that super-fantastic voicemail (when are one of you guys gonna auto-tune it?)—and you all give me the single best day on my blog in 2 years! I’m talking about thousands of views. Getting UpVoted on Reddit. And then you asked for more.

Hey, I’m just giving the people what they want.

Now, for the 4 of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, last year my wife joined a fledgling travel agency called Blue Sky Journeys as a Disney Vacation Planner. I even wrote a sappy lil post about it. Then she got hit with a Cease & Desist from another agency and my girl decided to move on. That didn’t go over so well. Not at all.  I wrote a couple of VERY popular blog posts (check them out here, here, aaaannnnd here, and, oh yeah, here), John and Melanie Swoap (the owners of Blue Sky Journeys) left us an AWESOME voicemail, I became a “sack of shit,” and we received several expletive-laced invitations to Tennessee, bosom of America.

But that was last December. And not a week has gone by where I haven’t gotten a “when are you gonna write another post?” inquiry. I didn’t really have much more to say: my wife had moved on, John and I had said all there was to say, and keeping it going was like poking fun at the kids on the short bus. Even I’m not that mean.

But then I started hearing stuff.

First it was little shit like my wife saying, “This agent or that Disney blogger LOVED your blog.” I’d smile and my head would swell and then I’d go back about my day.

Then it was, “Hey, the Earmark Committee knows all about your blog.” Earmark Committee? What’s the Earmark Committee? “Oh,” my wife would say, “they’re the people who decide whether a travel agency becomes an Authorized Disney Vacation Planner. It’s kind of a big deal.” And they know about my blog? “Yeah! They think it’s hilarious! Things aren’t gonna look so hot for Blue Sky Journeys come renewal time.”

Hmm.

But then things took a different turn when my wife got a call that said, “Hi, this is Such-and-So from Disney’s Legal Department. We read your husband’s blog. We’d like to ask you some questions.”

Wait, what?

Yep, Disney Legal is following my blog. And they like it. And no, things didn’t go too well for our friends in the Great State of Tennessee. Like Puffy on Making the Band, Disney came in this past July and shut the studio down. BOOM. No more Disney for you! If you go to blueskyjourneys.com, you just get clip art and pixie dust, right? Right. That’s what business closure looks like.

So the wife and I giggled and guffawed, poured out some liquor and played Boys II Men’s It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday. Ding Dong! The Witch is dead, right? Not exactly. Apparently, you can have your business shut down by Disney and turn around and make a new one THE VERY NEXT DAY…as long as you put it under someone else’s name. Well, a couple of their planners didn’t like the idea and left—of course saying a couple left is like saying Moses took a few people into the desert with him. But whatever—end of the story, right?

Nope.

Now I have to be cautious about what I say because I don’t want to go to jail for slander for discussing a case in litigation—and we all know I’m too pretty for jail—but it is the summer movie season. So let me present it like a trailer:

FADE IN:

Imagine one of those helicopter shots flashing over Disney World toward Epcot.

DEEP-VOICE NARRATOR:

In world where girls just want to dance…and go to Disney World…

CUT TO:

Hotel lobby. A group of dance moms and their dancers stand huddled by the desk. They have tear-stained faces and frazzled hair. The hotel clerk is also disheveled and tired. Things are clearly not going well.

DANCE MOM 1:

What do you mean we don’t have rooms?! We booked with Blue Sky Journeys months ago!

CLERK

I don’t know what to tell you, ma’am. We don’t have a reservation for you–not for any of you.

CUT TO:

Same hotel lobby, a young, exhausted travel agent clutches her cellphone to her ear.

TRAVEL AGENT

John, the police want to talk to you! They’re down here now!

CUT TO:

Dimly lit police station. Two detectives are huddled over open files. Stacks of papers and receipts, boxes of folders and evidence bags litter the room. They are pointing at a bulletin board with photos, Disney paraphernalia, colored yarn strung tight between thumbtacks. Looking for connections.

DETECTIVE 1:

Well, how much are they in for?

DETECTIVE 2:

Looks like at least $60,000.

DETECTIVE 1 (grabbing cuffs):

$60,000? Poor little kids. Come on, Ron, let’s go get them.

CUT TO:

Screen Shot 2013-08-19 at 5.08.44 PMScreen Shot 2013-08-19 at 5.09.06 PM

And those are arrest records, folks. For realz. Look at the date–that shit happened on FRIDAY. I saw them and was all like:

You know that can’t be all, right? I got police records, incident reports and a note: if I just got bailed out of jail, the first thing I’d do is go in vacation. Wouldn’t you?

And now there’s more...