And you came back! Look at you got a little streak going and everything! I’m so proud! So welcome back, friends and foes, to another FAN-tastic episode of Mayhem of the Mouse—the place where we look at some of our favorite Disney villains and then talk about what’s wrong with them.

Now, I fully planned on talking about Captain Hook today and, if you’ve been paying attention, you know I am no fan of Peter Pan. But that sounded too much like right so I decided to switch things up to Ursula from the Little Mermaid. Why the switch? In the litany of disturbing Disney deaths there are some doozies: Mufasa getting trampled by wildebeests in The Lion King; the boy having to shoot his own dog in Old Yeller; Clayton getting hung by vines in Tarzan. But I have to say Ursula’s death in the Little Mermaid takes the cake.

That chick got stabbed. By a boat.

Go back and read that again. Stabbed. By. A. Boat. I’ve seen some big MFs in the movies in my day—you know I’m a Godzilla fan. I love some Jaws. I’ve even read Moby Dick (see! I can read!) In exactly none of those instances was the gigantic beast impaled by a nautical vehicle. That’s a Jenny Craig ad for your ass. Stabbed by a boat.

Anyway, I figured since I was so stuck by her death, I might as well explore her living years too, huh? So, if you’ve never seen the Little Mermaid, you’ve missed the cutest lil thing in a clam bra since Mary Ann danced a hula on Gilligan’s Island. This is the classic “the grass is always greener” story, right? Ariel’s a mermaid who wants to be human and, after watching some fireworks, pulls a Baywatch and ends up saving a dude named Eric from drowning and sings to him. He falls in love with her voice and vows to find this girl. Ariel vows to be human. Her father disapproves and, like a teenager, runs off into the arms of the chunky chick down the street: Ursula.

Ursula has eyes on the throne and makes a deal with Ariel: she’ll make her human in exchange for Ariel’s voice.  Now this is the beginning of the bait-and-switch all men have fallen victims to at some point in their lives: you meet someone and they sound real good, only to meet them in person and be horribly disappointed. Keep in mind, Ursula now has Ariel’s pretty ass voice but no neck (it’s all chin and chest). Ariel still makes it happen with Eric anyway and just as they fall in love, Ursula comes back to ruin the party.

Ursula comes back as this sexy-ass woman named Vanessa with the voice Eric fell in love with and gets him all hot and bothered enough that he wants to marry her. Like the next day! My PSA: when you do meet that special someone, let it marinate: symptoms of crazy can take up to the 3 weeks to manifest. Ariel’s all heart broken (but she can’t tell nobody cuz she has no voice), the creatures of the sea break up the wedding and part 2 of the bait-and-switch happens: when things go awry, Ursula transforms from the sexy girl in the club who said “no, it’s ok, I like watching you play that game” into a REALLY big girl (still with no neck) who’s ragging on him and ruining everything (“you never pay attention to me anymore! All you do is play that game!”) and screwing up the family and shit.  And then he stabs her with the boat.

The End.

I guess I took Ursula a lil more personal than I should (hey, highschool was tough!) and it is just the Little Mermaid. I’ll add that to my therapy group discussion topics. Tomorrow, tomorrow, we’ll do Hook tomorrow, you’ll have to swing by and see! But before you do, if you haven’t joined the Amanda Belle Starr giveaway, click HERE and get on it!

See ya!