I freaking hate this lil (insert your choice of expletive here), man.

Not because he scares me (Chucky is no Teddy Ruxpin) but because I think the whole concept is stupid. The only reason I’m even considering this lil bad ass is because my son is terrified of him. It’s bad enough that, during Christmastime, I ordered something from Amazon that came in a 12” x 24” box. I told The Boy I ordered a Good Guy doll and he was too scared to even enter the kitchen. Like literally quaking in his slippers. I didn’t tell him the truth for a couple days.

But fine, anything that evokes that kind of response probably deserves a Crooked Letterz-style evaluation so here goes…

Chucky is the by-product of an overly moussed, androgynously clothed 80s Hollywood who an amok with the slasher flick idea, giving us such cinema classics like CHUD, Shocker, and Child’s Play. It tells the story of Charles Lee “Chucky” Ray, a voodoo practicing serial killer who gets shot by police, seeks into a Toys R Us and, as his dying action, uses his voodoo to project his spirit into a Good Guy doll. This is the premise folks: the villain is now a two-foot-tall Little Buddy with an attitude.

Whoever greenlit this should be shot.

Anyway, this foul-mouthed doll makes its way into the hands of a little kid named Andy (which makes me wonder if the guys at Pixar have an exceptionally wicked sense of humor) and hilarity ensues. This MF manages to cut the Achilles tendon off every human being over 5 feet, kicks the babysitter out the window, blows his former partner’s house before somebody figures out how to toss his lil ass in the fireplace and burn him alive. And then they still have to destroy his heart.

Not only the first Chucky make money, they made 3 other sequels AND are rebooting the franchise in 2013. The films’ and the character’s success and cult status sincerely makes me second-guess the future of humanity. Seriously, folks, this is the dumbest shit ever.

Aside from the idiotic premise—you can transfer your soul into any other thing and you pick a fucking doll? If you have to choose a toy, why not a Transformer or Darth Vader or GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip?—the entire movie has people terrorized by something 18 inches tall. It’s like getting killed by evil ass Smurfs. I have a husky, Rocky the WonderDog, right? I feed Rocky and he comes when I call and I could definitely take this 75 pound dog in a fight (I have opposable thumbs; he has the lame ass dew claw). Rocky is about two feet tall at the shoulder. So is the Expedia Traveling Gnome. So are two year olds.

I can’t say Chucky is an awesome villain: Chucky’s not big enough to be terrifying and there’s not enough of him to be an issue. I’ve seen scarier stuff as a church camp counselor for preschoolers. But he scared my kid and that has to count for something.

Next up: resistance is futile! The Borg are coming to assimilate the Festival.