MAYHEM OF THE MOUSE DAY IDK: GASTON #mayhemofthemouse

Gaston, from Beauty and the Beast fame, is our vicar of villainy in this episode and presents himself as the preeminent male in Belle’s little provincial town. But, you know, you can only be so hard with a ponytail. It’s even harder if that ponytail has a bow on it. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Chris, Steven Seagall was RAW!” Yeah, I saw him beat a man up with a dish towel and a cue ball too but have you seen Stevie lately? Looking like a stuffed sausage in his sheriff’s outfit? Yeah, not so sexy, now, huh?

Gaston is a thick-necked jackass (so much so he even sings about it). He’s good-looking but not terribly smart, overly-confident but probably over-compensating, and cannot stand that the one woman he wants is the one he can’t have. He’s the dude you KNOW is gonna get killed in the horror movie. You know who I’m talking about: the loud-mouthed bully, jag-off with the expensive car and turned up collar. What’s his name? Blaine? Zack? He deserves a knife through the skull…

There was this movie a while ago, She’s All That, where a pre-Scooby-Doo Freddie Prinze Jr. makes a bet to turn the geeky girl at the high school into a prom queen. Instead of it going into Carrie territory, it becomes a heart-warming teen romance bullshit story. This is the same shit. Gaston thinks he can make Belle into something fitting for a man of his stature (even with the ponytail) so he dogs her every step. More than likely, someone told Gaston that girls who read are secretly freaky (there is some truth to that sexy librarian idea—you know I’m right). But then Gaston finds out Belle is with the Beast and decides to off his competition.

Here is where Gaston moves into the Grade A Chump category. Remember when I said he wasn’t too bright? My man decides a) the best way to win Belle’s heart is to imprison her father and kill her boyfriend; and b) takes on a guy the ENTIRE TOWN calls The Beast. Folks, you know the Beast can roar, right? Like the WHOLE TOWN has heard his animalistic sounds. You also know there are wolves and the castle is haunted and shit? Somehow Gaston manages to convince the entire town to rush the Beast’s castle.

It doesn’t end well. For anybody. I don’t know about you, but fighting haunted shit is not in my job description, with or without the torches and pitchforks. Fuck that. Dressers don’t bleed; clocks don’t bruise. I do. When the candlestick is fighting back, we should reconsider our plan. But they stick with it. And they LOSE! But Gaston is a bitch: he shanks the Beast in the back after the Beast saves him. And then the Beast kicks him off the top of the tower. Gaston go BOOM!

I’m not Gaston fan (can you tell?) He’s a dick, plain and simple and his entire motivation is that he wants what he cannot have. That’s it. He wants Belle, can’t have her, and ends up dead as a result. This is stupid and, frankly, a bit stalkerish. Booo.

We’re gonna do doubles today (for real) and next in the Mayhem is ol Big Head herself, the Queen of Hearts.

Coming this October: Mayhem of the Mouse!

You might remember a year ago I was chomping on my nails, fretting about the coming October. For those of you who skip that lil Archive link on left, my wife LOVES horror movies. I do not. I do not like them Sam I Am. So every October I gird my loins for 31 days of blood and guts, ghosts and goblins, hack and slash supernatural nonsense.

Until this year.

This year, I got smart. See, in addition to horror movies, and the Lifetime Channel, my wife LOVES Disney. Disney movies, Disney parks, Disney body spray—you name it, if it has the Mouse on it, she’s all over it. So this year, I figured I’d balance the horror with some hilarity and Disney-up October with MAYHEM OF THE MOUSE (imagine that with booming echoes and stuff)!

What is Mayhem of the Mouse, you ask? Great question. We’ve spent the last 6 months looking at all kinds of villains, haven’t we? Supervillains, galactic terrors, giant monsters, soap opera baddies, Kardashians—okay, no Kardashians (yet) but you get it. Disney has an awesome array of bad guys waiting for the Crooked Letterz treatment—we’ve already had Scar, the Evil Queen, and Cruella DeVille grace these lovely pages. So for the 31 days in October, it’s all Disney villains.

But wait, there’s more! As an added bonus/incentive, hop on over to amandabellestarr.com and join the giveaway. She’s got a BEAUTIFUL Limited Edition Maleficent statue and a Haunted Mansion Hitchhiking Ghost Figurine for you Disney lovers—all for the low, low cost of some Facebook Likes and some Twitter Follows. And if you book a vacation with her, you get some extra entries.

So swing by amandabellestarr.com, join the giveaway, and hang out with me throughout the month of October to get my take on your favorite Disney villains. It’ll be a scream! (You know I am legally obligated to say that for any Halloween-related post, right?) It all starts Monday, October 1st!