I’ve missed a lot of things in my day. Trains. Planes. Taxis. Recitals (only a couple). TV Shows. Dinner. Plenty of things. I, however, have never missed my ride off an entire freaking planet because I was fucking with a flower.

When I was a kid, ET was an awesome, touching, magical experience about a boy and big-eyed alien. I felt for ET, so lost and alone, left behind by his compatriots, having subsist off the Reese’s Pieces generosity of an 11-year-old boy and building an interstellar cellphone out of a Speak-N-Spell and an umbrella. He was funny, his long neck was “interesting,” and I cried when they found him all ashy down by the river. ET was amazing. When I was kid.

As an adult, I really think ET was the dee-da-dee of the aliens. Seriously. Perhaps he should have had a helmet. And, to be honest, maybe none of the aliens were all that smart. OK, let’s say, this is a recon mission. The aliens come down into a Pacific Northwest forest to get some…plants? Plants? OK fine. Not as awesome as I would have expected but whatever. They get discovered by the human authorities and make a plan to leave. Now, when they sound the alarm because the police are coming, everybody manages to make it back to the flying Christmas ornament except one. AND THEY LEFT HIM!

And not just left him like, “Hey, we’ll be right back tomorrow. Meet us at the rendezvous point.” They left LEFT. These cats went home. Deuces. Sucks to be you, pal. Just left him.

I think it was intentional. And I think the other aliens are the real villains in ET.

When the military engages in clandestine operations behind enemy lines, there are some procedures they follow. It’s either “No man left behind” or, if you’re captured, we have protocols to get you back. Or, everybody goes on the mission with the understanding that, if you’re you’re caught, you are SOL. But those are military missions. Those involve us doing things we have no business doing in places we have no business. This is about plants. Trees. Dandelions. Shit, they could have called ahead. “Hey, we’re gonna swing by and grab some evergreens. Should be a couple hours tops.”

Instead, we’re supposed to believe this is a black ops mission behind some pinecones? Nah. I think our beloved character was voted off the island and left behind on purpose. “Don’t you hate, Gary? Yeah, I hate him too. I say next time we go out, let’s just leave him. Maybe some kid will find him.” Imagine how surprised they were when the Speak-N-Spell call came in: “Godammit! It’s Gary. How’d he get this number? We gotta go back!”

My point here is maybe ET was awesome to us as humans because he’s more advanced than us. But maybe he was the kid on the short bus on his own world. Maybe he wasn’t that fantastic and maybe they were trying to get rid of him. Maybe the other aliens are just jackasses. Maybe, just maybe, we sent back the weakest link. Just sayin…

That’s it for this one. Catch ya in F land!