Well, Hellooooo Boys and Girls (you have to imagine this in the Mickey Mouse voice)!

Welcome to Day One of the Mayhem of the Mouse damn-Disney-makes-some-messed-up-villains extravaganza. If you’ve been here before, Welcome Back! You know the deal: take off your coat, kick your feet up and get your giggle on. If you’re brand new and are thinking, “well, he said Disney, it must be family-friendly,” heh heh heh, you are in for a surprise. What we do here is hold our favorite villains up to the light, shake them real hard and hope something gooey falls out.

And our first Mouse-y miscreant is Jafar.

You guys remember Jafar, right? Tall, skinny dude, supeeeerrrr-slim goatee, had the Aflac duck on his shoulder? Jafar is the adviser to a fat little king who isn’t smart enough to question why the parrot is named after one the most deceitful characters in literary history; and the disgruntled protector of a big-eyed, big-haired, Tiny Dancer, Jasmine. Folks, Jafar is CLEARLY the smartest kid in school: the sultan can’t figure out a) that the parrot can hold complete conversations; and b) he is NOT interested in any of those dry-ass crackers.

Anyway, Jafar gets the line on a genie’s lamp and that it’s buried in the gullet of a huge, man-eating tiger cave. So what does Jafar do? Does he brave the cave himself? Does he send the freaking bird? Nope. Remember when the city of Austin got all that flack for turning homeless people in hotspots? Yeah, that shit came from Jafar: he has an entire racket of grabbing homeless people and bribing them to go into this cave that looks like a giant stone tiger mouth. AND THEN THEY DIE!! And this is a Disney movie! This is how it starts!

Jafar gets Aladdin and that greedy-ass monkey to go into the tiger cave to get the genie lamp. It ain’t enough that he’s endangering the lives of the boy and the monkey—no, when they finally do bring back the lamp and need a leg up to get out, he tries to kill them instead. Jafar doesn’t get nicer: he’s a power-hungry megalomaniac who escalates from wanting to be king to wanting to be the most powerful thing in the world. This makes him do stuff like make a deal with the king to marry his daughter and conspire to kill him at the same time. Or toss Aladdin into the bottom of the ocean for trying to woo Jasmine. And he sent him to freeze to death in the Himalayas in that lil vest and puffy pants.

Before the movie is over, Jafar has the lamp and is using his wishes to become king and then a sorcerer. Jasmine tries to use her feminine wiles to lure Jafar away with a sexy lil dance number and, in response, he puts her in an hourglass and tries to smother her, then turns into a cobra and tries to squeeze her to death. Perhaps she should get on that Yoga Booty Ballet.

Jafar ends the movie as a slave to the lamp, trapped with the damn bird, both awesomely powerful and powerless. He’s an incredible testament to the power of a good Disney villain and a great way to start the festivities: he’s power-hungry for no reason, takes full advantage of every opportunity to try to kill both the hero and the princess, and he has some killer one liners—“You’re speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.” Classic! Though Iago (the parrot) had the best line when he called Jasmine a “chump.”

And that ends our first installment of October’s Mayhem of the Mouse (brought to you by Amanda Belle Starr–while you’re at it, go and enter her giveaway!). There’s plenty more where that came from so tune in tomorrow, same Bat time, same Bat channel. And for you Type-As out there who hafta know what’s coming next, here’s the whole list: