I swear to God I’m going to buy The Boy a helmet.

So The Wife and I went out last night and had a couple drinks. Okay more than a couple. Fine, a lot. So we’re not in the best condition this morning—a little slow on the draw, right? Anyway, we’re finishing up breakfast and The Wife is putting dishes in dishwater. The Boy is clearing glasses from the table and one of them still has orange juice in it.

Rather than pour it down the empty side of the sink, this clown pours the orange juice in the dishwater that his mama just ran. But that’s not the issue. It gets worse.

After my “What are you thinking?” monologue, I tell The Boy to let the water out and run some new. And this is what he really said: “How?”

I say, “How? Like, how to let the water out of the sink?”

I look at the empty drain in front of me, to the orange dishwater in the other side, and back to the empty side.

“For real?”

And he’s dead serious. Deadpan expression and everything. DMFRH can’t figure out to let water out of the sink! Isn’t this what separates human beings from the animals? Our ability to solve problems? And then he doesn’t want to get his hands wet either so he won’t touch the water. But does he get it? Noo-oooo!

“I’m serious,” he says. “I can’t figure out how to do it.”

Oh, Lord Jesus!

I tell him that the sink on the left looks just like the one on the right (the right side is full). I say if there’s a drain on the left, there has to be one on the right. Blank stare. Oh, and did I tell you that our plates are clear? They are SEE THROUGH! He can SEE the drain! I finally say, “You know how a tub works, right? Something has to stop the water.”

And Dis Muthafucka says, “I don’t take baths. I take showers.”

I wanted to slap the shit outta him right then. My hand actually twitched into slap position.

We get to the bottom of it; I manage to teach this 13-year-old how a fucking sink drain works without strangling him so he can refill the dishwater. And he does. But without soap. Or heat.

Godammit.

I’m going to Sports Authority today and coming back with a sparring helmet.