20 Things You Didn’t Care to Know About Me (But Now You Do)

My LIttle Helper told me that my blog is the best way for you to get to know me as an individual, not just as the incredibly talented, chiseled-chinned author you’ve come to love. So, fine, I will let you in. Settle in, come closer–ooohh not that close, had garlic today, didn’t we? Here goes 20 things you never knew about me:

  1. I hate pandas. With a passion. I think they are worthless animals who cannot figure out how to eat or procreate without human intervention and panda porn. I think the noble panda would be better suited as a bedcover and a nice pair of boots
  2. I hate T-Pain. Really I do. I just wanna kick the shit outta him and autotune his scream. Who the hell rhymes mansion with Wisconsin? Jackass.
  3. I have a secret crush on Julianne Moore. Don’t ask me why—it just works.
  4. I have a public crush on Chante Moore. My wife already knows if Kenny slips, it’s on. I have a bag already packed.
  5. I’d love to listen to a Jehovah’s Witness at a Mormon’s door. That would have to be one of the most scintillating conversations ever.
  6. I think the head-to-neck ratio on Selena Gomez and Julianna Marguiles is horribly out of whack. These women have the biggest heads in Hollywood—I want to send them tiny crutches to give their necks a rest. How has no one ever said anything?
  7. The only reason I watch American Idol is for the sadness and the tears. The dashed hopes bring me joy. I turn it off after that.
  8. I’m addicted to Hoarders and Maury. If they’re on, I cannot look away.
  9. I once won a beauty contest. True story. Got the sash and roses and everything. I was magnificent.
  10. I will not listen to anyone on my ipod/car stereo/Sirius-XM whose name begins with Lil. I’m just too old for that shit.
  11. I narrate my dog’s actions and reactions in a variety of voices. One moment he sounds like Cartman; the next he’s Malcolm X.
  12. I think Jay-Z looks like a Koopa from Super Mario Bros. Every time I see him on TV, I wanna jump on his back and kick him down the street and see 200s in the sky.
  13. I think the characters in my stories haunt me in real life. Seriously. If I don’t write on a regular basis, they take stuff and hide things and kick my dog and knock my son in the head.
  14. I’m almost 40 years old. Farts still make me laugh.
  15. Random question: if you see a porn star in the street, is it okay to say you’re a fan of their work? Is it okay to be a fan of their work?
  16. I’d love to moderate a debate between Kirk Douglas and Dick Clark. I think 50% of it would be me saying “What? Can you repeat that?” Yes, I already know I’m going to Hell for this one.
  17. Ceelo Green is a big-ass midget. I know it; you know it. I wish he’d just come out and say it. I’d still buy his music.
  18. I often turn on (and record) the really messed up medical shows on the Discovery Channels. Stuff like Freaky Eaters, My Strange Addiction, and the 650-LB Woman. Can’t help it. I was genuinely disturbed by Man with Half A Body, especially when he talked about his NATURAL BORN daughter. The question is my head is still How?
  19. I’m really scared of rats, roaches and spiders. And that damn doll from the Amityville Horror. And Teddy Ruxpin.
  20. I don’t trust cats. We usually get along but I don’t think they’re genuine. I’m convinced they’re trying to kill me.

There you have it folks, you’re up close and personal expose. If you’re good boys and girls, who knows, I might break down and tell you my horribly disgusting, but really funny, holiday story about an x-ray, castor oil, and topical Novocain.

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