CAUTION: This post contains significant amounts of cursing, without those sorry little @$#%! marks to hide what I really want to say. If this is an issue, come back on Friday: I should be in a decidedly better mood. You’ve been warned.
I’m going to add a new award series to my blog: DMFRH. Dis MuthaFucker Right Here.
We all know these people—these jackasses who conspire to make life a bit more difficult just because they fucking can. The ones who don’t actually have shit to say but just speak simply because they know the language. A stupid boss. A simple child. An annoying client. The PTA President. That mean-ass usher in church.
Or this guy:
Anybody can be DMFRH. You have. I certainly have. In most cases, it’s a temporary condition broken by plenty of rest and Advil, a stiff drink or a swift kick in the ass. In others, it’s more permanent. Chris Humphries. Ari Gold. George W. Bush. Permanent asses.
So I know what you’re thinking: Chris, who might you be nominating for your first DMFRH?
First, The Boy. This cat has been showing a flagrant disregard for his schoolwork. FLAGRANT. Every day somebody says, “Hey, you got any homework?” Simple question, right? Ought to have a simple answer. This joker says no. Every day. “Nope, no homework.” But he has Xbox time, right? Homeboy is making substantial inroads in Modern Warfare but can’t multiply. Well, school calls us—we gotta have a meeting with all his teachers and the counselor. It’s like an academic intervention. They provide a litany of missing assignments and then a variety of scenarios when DMFRH can’t figure out how to look at the board and figure out what’s going on. We wanna kill him because he’s showing his ass, the school is involved, but the boy resolves to do something different. He says, “I’m gonna go home, skip the snack, open my planner and get to work!” Great! What does DMFRH do? Come home, eats TWICE, shits and goes THE FUCK to sleep. Seriously?
That’s one. I have more.
So you know I decided I wanted to lose a few pounds (approximately 60). To that end, two things showed up at my house: Insanity and P90X. I told you I have this Superman complex, right? I think I can do anything, right? I said to myself “How hard can it be?” I put that damn Insanity disc to do the Fit Test. I almost fainted during the warm up. THE WARM UP! The whole test was 30 minutes—it took me 45 and my body hurt for two days. I did the Fit Test. I finished it. I am not fit.
So then I switched to P90X. Tony Horton: DMFRH is FUCKING NUTS! Oh, it’ll make you fit and strong. No question about it. Provided you survive it. I did something called Plyometrics yesterday. What that means is I tried to kill myself. On purpose. That man said “Wear a heart monitor so you can make sure you’re in the Zone.” The Zone? Goddammit, you’ve had me leaping like a fucking gazelle for the last 40 minutes and DMFRH asked me am I in the Zone? Fuck your Zone, Tony. My heart monitor said STOP.
So the second DMFRH award is split between two public figures: Shaun “HipHopAbs Dancing Ass” T and Tony “Fuck Him” Horton.
Who’s the DMFRH is your life right now? Drop me a comment and I’ll promote the winner next week!
I’m going to take a bath in IcyHot…
We go through the same homework thing with Justin…. get a hold on that NOW because dude it gets WORSE in high school and then classes have to be retaken….. ongoing battle.. I THINK… think.. its better now.. but only time will tell.. but i checked his online grades DAILY when he went to Jackson… missing assignment here, misses this there, WTF? Same thing…. you can play on the XBOX or computer but you can do a PE journal. PE journal.. for crying out loud.
Amen. Simple stuff like Read The Board. PE Journals. Turning in the assignment you actually did. It’s why I think Fisher Price should make a taser
I had to read this again just to laugh. These children I teach (those same ones who need a calculator to multiply 2 times -1) reign supreme again. This time I had the last laugh. They will understand that their DMFRH is Ms. Smith and she’s nothing to play with. I give quizzes on Fridays because doing homework on the weekend is like pulling teeth from a two year old who won’t open his mouth (forget the fact that most won’t do homework during the week or even study). Anyway, I gave a quiz today. Should have taken 20-30 minutes IF you had the audacity to study the material. Hell, too much to ask. THESE DMFRH took 60-80 minutes to take this quiz. I had kids from my first period class rolling through my 6th period to finish the quiz. And I can guarantee a minimum 80% failure rate. Guaranteed. I missed my lunch and couldn’t go to the bathroom because my room was on lockdown with kids trying not to fail my quiz. By 1:00pm all I could do was laugh at the 4 students who tried for 15 minutes to get me to drop the quiz. Yes! Then I put a pop quiz on my algebra 1 students! Took them 30 minutes to finish a 10 minute quiz. I made 130 students mad today. It made my weekend.
And Monday I get to take Shaun T’s Insanity Fit test at the two week mark. I’ll let you know how it goes. And if it’s any consolation, the first time I did the fit test I thought I was gonna die. It gets better. I promise. I can get through the warm up now without having to take a break.
LOL I love it!! I told my coworker (L.Smith) that I was gonna suggest my husband and I do P90X since we have it and never used it. At least now I know what to expect!!!
Glad you enjoyed it! The P90X is my arch nemesis right now. Good luck with it!